sometimes I look at my face in the mirror and all I see are the bones fingertips press into cheeks chin eye socket mapping out the hidden geography of my own skull when I got my wisdom teeth removed the dental surgeon said I have a jaw like Arnold Schwarzenegger still not sure if it's a compliment flying home from Chicago a man gave up his aisle seat because he thought I was pretty sure it was a good idea until he asked is that your boyfriend? and I said yea strange that he regretted the middle seat so suddenly and me decidedly not offering to switch he was so scared of flying his body angled away from the window armrest pulled up and flattened into the edge of my seat he works in insurance State Farm deep in moral crisis because of Florida having just fired hundreds of employees tripled or denied thousands of claims do you want kids? he asks me I've never wanted kids I say seems unlikely I'd suddenly start now what about marriage? people like to think something official and ritualized like a wedding will protect them from future harms or uncertainties I've never really cared about marriage don't you want to have love? oh yes and I do every day I'm in love with life and anyway never could imagine only being able to trust a feeling was real if it exists with my name stamped on a slip of paper that's smart very smart if I could do things over I love my kids beautiful boys 2 and 5 I'll show you pictures I love my boys if I could do things over I don't think I would do it this way I love them but it's too much love oppressive living with all this love suffocating I try to do good to live a good life give my family more than I had be a better father than mine ever was my dad and my step-dad both died this year but I I don't like the man I see when I look in the mirror I hope you like who you are that's gotta be the most important thing in life and something about the shape of my bones invites strangers to tell me their secrets like newly-born calves lost cold wandering into open gates sheltering in nearby pastures the way that we press flowers I wish I could record an impression of the points in my face resonant structure skin canopied around filthy orchestra an architecture of chewing and blinking all hinges and flaps obscene motion bundled at the zenith of our bodies driving locomotion interpretation expression it's a wonder we make any sense at all
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